What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I'm a 22 year old mother of 2 little girls, one is a year old and the other is 8 weeks old. My husband is an abusive man, he yells at me and calls me hurtful names, he throws things and is rough with our babies. I want a divorce but I have no way of providing for my kids on my own. A friend suggested I give up my children for adoption and then i can get a job and be able to move out on my own and take care of myself. Could you give your kids up to save them and yourself from a miserable life?

What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Well I sort of have been in your shoes. I am a 22 year old mother as well..And I have 3 girls....6years,2years, 9 months. I have left my husband and I took all three with me. I am a housewife and I have no money. I looked in the phone book for crisis shelters and online for phone numbers. I called the shelter and told them my story about my husband.They sent a police officer to pick up me and my girls but my husband was at work so he didnt know because I know if he found out he would be angry. You do not have to give up your children at all. You should find out if there is a shelter in your area. I live in TX. When I got to the shelter they were very nice and understanding and help you with EVERYTHING such as food, school, work, even protective orders and divorce. You do not have to pay but you would be able to learn how to live independently and do things for your children and yourself. I urge you to find out information and go from there. Do it for your little girls and for them to have a healthy happy life and for yourself to gain your independence back. My husband isnt abusive on a daily basis but he has hurt me broken our furniture, pushed me and I hit the floor even thrown a bottle of water in my face and he says that he doesnt hurt me. He has emotionally and verbally abused me and my self esteem is low. He does it during arguments but it still doesnt make it right. I didnt stay at the shelter and I ended up coming back home just to more of hearing him say how dissapointed he was and he just told me some un-nice things. If you leave dont go back like i did. Be happy because there is a new life out there for you and your girls. You do not have to be with him and he may hurt your children. Do your research..on your own time when he is not there and make a plan and dont let him know about it. Its the only way. You can get to a shelter even if you have no transportation yourself because the police made sure i got there safe. Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you. :)
Reply:I don't know where you live but I'm sure there are social agencies in place to assist you in leaving. Where I live we have Women's Haven which puts the woman and her children in a home (where the husband can't get to her) and then they will help with job training, legal assistance, and lots more.


Call your local courthouse or police department and they can tell you what programs are available in your area.
Reply:No - my kids are my life.


Called the women's shelter or someone else like that.


GET OUT NOW!!!!!!


Yes it will be hard on you, but how would you live with yourself if he hurt or killed one of your babies b/c you didn't leave him.


Call the police and have them help you leave. Get a restraining order on his ***. Do something.


Stay with family if possible.


Document what he says and does to you and the kids, take pictures.


GET OUT WOMAN!!!
Reply:No Way!!! These are your kids. You protect THEM and better THEIR lives. You decided to marry this man and have not one but TWO kids with him. Now you should own up to it. You can save them and yourself but it takes courage. CAll the local Health and Welfare and see what your options are. Most times they offer classes and assistance. They can also recommend other organizations that can help.





PS: If you give the kids up...unless he does too...they go to him...Remember that as you try to leave the kids with an abuser.
Reply:you dont have to give up your kids.. call around...they have womens shelters you can go to that will work with you and your kids. if you explain to them that you fear for your safety..they will help you.





you should make all the arrangements before you leave...and then only take what you need...they will help you to get shelter. a job and back on your feet again.





wish you the best ...
Reply:Well, I'm a 23 year old mother of two kids daughter 6 and son almost 5.What kind of friend is that to tell you to give up your kids.I think you need to give her up.While you are still living with your husband go fill out some applications.Why, don't you take you and your kids and go stay with a family member,or friend,or a woman shelter.That would make you look bad giving up your kids just because your man is a *** hole.Your kids did not do nothing wrong.That really makes me sad that your friend would say that, if my friend told me that i would tell them to get lost.
Reply:First off, i won't give up my kids for nothing. I'm sure there are places that you can go to for help. Talk to someone, get some help.
Reply:Been there...done that. Well, I didn't give my kids up for adoption, but I did let them go to their father. They couldn't get used to their new surroundings, and my life was chaotic at the time, and it stung like hell, and I didn't want to, but I knew at that time they would be better off with him.


Having said that, I don't believe for one minute that you have no way of providing for your kids. The state helps lots of women every single day, get back on their feet. In a lot of cases, they'll even help you pay daycare expenses so you can get a job. Where there's a will there's a way. For a while, I lived on $ 800 a month with all three of my children. I did let them eat, and I'd skip meals to make food last and stuff like that, but if you really want out of this, and you don't want to leave your kids behind, you CAN do it. People before you have done it and so can you. I think it's easy for a friend (who may not have children of their own) to tell you to give up your children, instead of offering to HELP you by giving you a temporary place to stay, or at least trying to help you figure things out. I think I'd re-evaluate my friendship to tell the truth. I wish women would STOP feeling so helpless. We have more power than ever to do whatever we need to, to take care of our children and ourselves....it just takes hard work, and a lot of sacrifice...but it's VERY doable!
Reply:Don't under estimate yourself. No one should live with a man like this. You can survive on your own. Get help. Don't you have any family that you can turn to. I have three kids and almost got divorced I was desperate and scared but never never never did I ever think of giving up my children. Seek help.
Reply:No - you are their mother and you brought them here. I doubt he just became abusive, so you knew what kind of person he was. One can only assume that because of your age these were unplanned pregnancies, so you should have thought about that before. Get out of the relationship. Go to a shelter where they will help you get on your feet. If you feel this is something you cannot do, then give your girls up. Do not subject them to a life of misery due to your immature and irresponsible choices. Know that the situation you have created will be paid for by your children.
Reply:What kind of friend tell you to give up your children for adoption????





Gimme a break.





Go to a shelter, get a divorce and child support. File for welfare and food stamps. There are federal and state programs that will pay for your childcare while going to work or school.





Go to family services and inquire.
Reply:First, is there a family member willing to foster or adopt them until you can get on your feet? If not, I guess I would approach a lawyer to see what the legalities are about giving children up for adoption until you can support yourself and then ask for them back. I'm not sure, but I think that is considered an open adoption. But don't quote me on that. Ask around.
Reply:Go to a women's shelter. They will set you up on public aid and benefits from the state. Some states only give you 2 years full assistance, so apply for all the grants and loans you can and get an education so you CAN get a job. It can be done, you are very hormonal right now (only 8 weeks after giving birth) and maybe you are causing some of his frustration? I could be wrong, but check the way you are treating him too. There's only so much b!tching a man can take.
Reply:No way in hell I would give my kids up. I would seek help from a women's shelter, and they will help guide you in everything! Hey, you can get food stamps, go to school, get an education so you can get a good job, and your life will be so much better. Those kids do NOT need to be around that man.
Reply:Wow, I would buy some new shoes.





Seriously though, you need to contact your local domestic violence center. They have programs where you can live for free up to a year while you get back on your feet. Many also offer job training/support and link you up with low cost apartments after a year.





The bottom line is GET OUT ASAP. Good luck.
Reply:If he is the father, then he would have to agree to put the children up for adoption. My guess is he would not allow it.





This is a hard question without easy sounding answers. You are young, to say you have no way to support yourself or the babies is not a statement a young person should make. If you were much older and many many years removed from school and the work force it may be different. But you are young. You need to find a job, get working even if it is part time. Get some experience under your belt.
Reply:I think an alternative to giving up your girls is to look for a battered women's shelter. Shelters are better than they used to be. They can provide you and your babies with a safe place. They can help you find a place of your own, pay for childcare so you can go to work or school. Since you are married you cannot simply put your children up for adoption. You have to have the fathers consent. Most men that are abusive are very controling. Getting a man like that to give up his kids and release that controll is unlikely.


Do you have any family or friends that know what your going through? The more people you share with the better chance you have of actually changing your situation. I know going to a shelter probably doesn't sound appealing but what your describing doesn't sound like fun either. Abuse gets worse before it gets better. What if he accidentally hurts one your babies in a fit of rage. GET HELP NOW!!! Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Reply:I think that there is other options. You and your girls can stay together, it might be difficult at first but eventually you will get on your feet. There is plenty of help out there. Where I am from there is a place for abused women and her children to go and stay until you can get on your feet. Look into something like that in your area. I'm sure your area will have something like that. They will help you find work and it is somewhere safe for your family. Best wishes.
Reply:First of all,there's no way that i can give away my kids,after all the things that I've been through with them. Yes you can do a lot of things to keep your 2 children, but first you must leave your abusive husband, then wherever you are,(state), go to family service and tell them your situation. you can also file a complaint against your husband and the police department will keep it on file so just in case your husband get worst,they have something.


You can also go to the Welfare so that way they can help you,it will depend if you needs food stamp, or a place.
Reply:I would never give up my kids. There are options today for someone in your position. Both from the Federal government as well as your State. That's what these programs were actually designed for as opposed to what they are really being wasted on these days. Seek social services housing, food stamps and other public assistance. Get out from under neath this guy. Get your folks to help. Stay with friends for a while till you get decent work.
Reply:If you live in the United States most (I believe all) states/cities have shelters you can go to. (Go to the local police station and get some information). They will help you get financial assistance, child care and a job. You don't need to give up your children. I would assume that other countries have similar programs but not positive. I wish you the best of luck and God' Blessings. Please leave quickly before he hurts you or one of the children.
Reply:No. Start getting looking at training programs for a job you're interested in. Most likely after completing the training program you'll be recommended by you're school and helped get a job. Don't even think about giving away your kids it's not even funny.
Reply:What kind of friend will tell some one to give up their kids. There are so many ways. get a job first, and save up some money, or maybe u can stay with a friend until u can get up on your own two feet. I went through a bad relationship with the father of my kids, but i never ever thought bout giving up my kids.
Reply:Hell no! You don't have to give up your children. First of all...there are places to help women and children in abusive homes! Find the nearest place and go there...they'll help you out. See if you can find some kind of job from home or perhaps at a daycare center so your kids can go with you. If you have any friends or family nearby see if they can help you out too. Odds are, everyone is going to do what they can to help you just to get you away from this guy! Most attorneys if you explain the situation will go out of their way to help you out as well...and make your soon to be ex pay for everything, you'll get child support and alimony so that will help pay for things and you can get a restraining order so he can't come near you and the kids. If he's a bad father you can get sole custody. THERE ARE WAYS WOMAN! You don't have to put up with this...NO WOMAN DOES! AND you certainly DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE UP you children! I wish you all the best of luck and you and your children are in my prayers!
Reply:If you have family that you can turn to, most definately go to them first. If you have someone that is close to you and you trust them it would be okay to sign over your rights for a little while. I wouldn't break up the family with my kids up if I did not know the people that they were going to. You do NEED to get out of that situation with your husband as soon as you can.
Reply:I'd get a good lawyer and file for divorce. He should pay child support and alimony if you need it. Personally I'd do all I could to keep custody of the children. He is cause of your problems not them, good luck:)
Reply:If he is getting rough with the babies and you stay in the situation that makes you guilty of child abuse just like him use your head lady get OUT NOW!!!!
Reply:Are you retarded? Being a Single mom is hard, I have Been There and Done that one. My husband died.





Dear, grow some balls and leave, You stay with those children and you will watch God hand feed you through other people who really love Him. I have seen that one with my own eyes. Girl, those babies Need You!!!!
Reply:You can't give your kids up for adoption unless your husband agrees. In order for them to be adopted, BOTH of your parental rights have to be terminated.





EDITED TO ADD THIS:


In response to something another poster said...you CANNOT give your child up for adoption and then 'get them back' Once they are adopted, that's it. You have NO rights to them at all.
Reply:What he needs is his a$$ kicked with a stern warning from someone he fears. Be will never amount to a good husband or father.





Get out, file for protective custody and KEEP YOUR KIDS! How could you even think to give them up? No matter how bad it gets, it can only get better. Get out the phone book and reach out for help. You not alone. Millions of other women in your shoes have survived, so can you :)
Reply:i would honestly say from my past. Its so what like yours. The best thing that you can give your children right now is your love. A lot of people say i gave you up because i love you. That is the father from the truth then I can say . that friend that's telling you that nonsense need help herself. That man don't love you but regardless of what. If you don't have anyone else in this world those kids are going to love you. my kids are 4 and 9 m. I was poor and my man , my mother, and my family kick me to the curve but my kids would say when nobody else mother you're pretty i love u . In the hard time she would say mother don't cry I'm just happy that we are together. but be a women. I'm only 3 yrs older than you i know where you are coming from don't give up get rid of that man if u and your kids have to say in a car . as long as you a together the kids are happy. the man is taking advantage of you. leave his ***. people will help a single mother . you think your kids are being taking care of somewhere else, people will do anything to kids that age. they cant talk but you can just leave. take them and go to a shelter. get a job social services will help you until you get on your feet. with childcare and everything . but i beg of you don't give up those kids to the system. that just like putting them out for a hard life my mother kept me for as long as she could and i learn how to survive from watching her and with her love i made it.



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